Purim Shpiel 5775: Rabbi Greg Wolfe

Esthar Trek: Boldly Going Where No Shpiel has gone before! Episode VDCCLXXV (5775)

Purim Shpiel 5775 Rabbi Greg Wolfe

The star trek theme music playing with Voice Over:

Shushan, the final fronteir! Esthar date 5775. Our mission: to save the Jewish people from the wrath of Khahnman. So come on and join us on Esthar’s Trek where a beautiful Jewish maiden will boldly go where no Jewish woman has gone before …. you’ll have to use your imagination of where that might be.

The King of the Klingons, Akhashuerless, ruled over 127 galaxies. For a whole 6 months, the king threw a wild party for all of the nobles from the surrounding solar systems. They ate and drank until they were feeling quite out of this world. In the midst of the festivities, King Akhashuerless called for his Queen, Vashti of Tribbles, to come and entertain his guests with her many wiles. But she refused saying, “Dangit, Khashi! I am not a plaything, I’m a queen! So you can wile away your own hours all by yourself, but I’m not coming. At least, not for awhile.” Well, the Queen lasted barely a while longer and before you could say “Oy, the trouble with the Queen of Tribbles!” she was a gone girl, …at warp speed no less. But now the king was not only Akhashuerless, he was also queen less. Though he still had plenty of tribbles floating around—they seemed to be everywhere—he was still lonely. He turned to his advisor and commanded: “beam me up a new queen!”

“Dang it, your Highness, I’m not some tekkie, I’m your advisor!”

“Well, then give me some advice. I need a new queen.”

“Why don’t you host a beauty contest. We’ll call it the Search for the voyage to the final frontier: The Palace. This will be just the ticket to find a new queen who is both beautiful and knows how to follow orders.”

“I love it!,” said the king, “spread the word to the three corners of the universe, right away.”

Meanwhile, in another part of Shushan, there was a beautiful, Jewish maiden who lived with her devoted Cousin Mordekirk, a noble and upright Jew. Since her parents had died, Mordekirk had been her loving guardian and guide. This young maiden’s name was Esthar on the streets of Shushan, but her Hebrew name was Haspakah, the daughter of Spock alav ha’shalom, may his memory be for a blessing. (The Hebrew root SPK, means to be enough, to be sufficient for the task at hand!) Before he died, Capt. Spock had instilled some important things in his eldest daughter: a keen sense of logic, a brave heart, a cool head under pressure, a very cool, secret hand sign to let others know you are Jewish and, most appealing of all, ears shaped like hamantaschen.

When the news of the king’s beauty contest reached the ears of Mordekirk (which, by the way, did not look at all like hamantaschen!), he immediately tried to convince Esthar to trek where no Jewish woman had gone before…to the palace…to enter the beauty contest. She was so beautiful and kind he was sure that she would be chosen as the new queen of Shushan. He might have predicted Esthar’s response: “Highly illogical, dear cousin! How is this a way to choose a queen?” Clearly, would not it be more rational to select such a leader based on wisdom and demonstrable leadership qualities?” But Mordekirk pressed his point and assured her that what may on the surface appear to be completely irrational, in the end, would be revealed to make perfect sense. What could Esthar do? She couldn’t argue with that logic, and, of course, she loved and trusted her dear cousin Mordekirk. So off she went to enter the beauty pageant. But, Mordekirk, cautioned her, keep your Jewish identity hidden and a secret from all, even the king. Sure enough Esthar was the logical choice of all the beauties who showed up for the pageant. She was selected hands down by King Akhashuerless to be the new Persian queen. She raised her one hand, as she learned from her father, and waved to all the people. (Waving the vulcan salute) Tho secretly she was letting her people, the Jews, know that she was there for them. It wasn’t much, but it would have to be enough, for now. The king was no longer queen less, tho, by all accounts, he did remain ratherclueless.

The king had an advisor, Khahnman, (who was evil and filled with wrath. Tho some would argue that he was just filled with lots of prunes and it was the gas that made him appear so wrathful and smell that way). Anyway, no matter the source, it was clear that Khahnman was so full of himself that he declared that every person in the kingdom must bow low before him.

Every day Mordekirk would sit at the entrance to the palace to keep an eye out for Esthar and make sure she was safe and doing well. When Khanman passed by Mordekirk at the palace gates he couldn’t believe his eyes that Mordekirk, the Jew, would refuse to bow before him. “Do you not know the law of the land?” Khahnman glared at Mordekirk. “I do, indeed,” he replied, “but I am the captain of my own ship and we are part of the Jewish enterprise that teaches that we are to bow down only to God. And, clearly, that is not you!” Khahnman was so filled with wrath that he swore then and there that he would get his revenge and all would see what would happen to those who dared to mess with Khahnman. It won’t be enough to just punish Mordekirk, either, he fumed, but he vowed to take out his wrath on the entire Jewish enterprise.

Khahnman approached King Akhashuerless, who you remember is still clueless, and informed him that there was a group of people in his kingdom who were clearly alien and did not belong. They had different laws that were warped and they did not respect the ways of the kingdom. “It would be my privilege to rid you of these alien folk!,” Khahnman offered with a wicked smile. “Do as you see fit, Khahnman,” said the king, “just let me know when it is done. By the way, do you smell prunes? I definitely smell prunes!”

A royal decree went out throughout the galaxy that all who were a part of the Jewish enterprise would be “beamed” away. Mordekirk immediately sent word to Esthar that they must meet. He explained to her that the most important trek now lay before her and that she must boldly go…once again…where no Jewish woman had gone before…to see the king and ask him to spare her people.  “I don’t know if that is so logical,” she calculated, “I might be killed if the king does not look favorably upon me. On the other hand, my people shall all be beamed away if I do not act. I shall have to think deeply about this.” “Well, think fast!,” Mordekirk suggested. “That’s a great idea,” Esthar agreed, “I’ll fast. I always think better on an empty stomach!” Mordekirk reminded her, “Perhaps, it is for this very reason that you have been selected to play this role as queen. Our fate is in your hand.” Then he flashed her the Jewish salute of her father, reminding her that she was enough, that she already had everything that she needed inside of her, and that she could do this brave deed. Indeed, it was the most logical thing in the world to do. “OK, that’s fast enough,” Esthar declared. “I will do it. I will go and see the king.”

The moment of truth arrived and Esthar trekked, as boldly as she could, all the way to the king’s royal chambers, and he immediately greeted her with a smile and a peck on the cheek, allowing himself a slight nibble on her hamantaschen ears, as well. “What is it that I can do for you my tasty queen, who kind of smells like luscious, ripe apricots, up to half my galactic kingdom.”  “That is so kind of you, your highlessness, but I simply would like to invite you and your musty, I mean trusty, advisor Khahnman, to join me for a banquet.”  “We would be most delighted, I am sure,” replied the king, already beginning to salivate in anticipation of what tasty klingon treats she might be preparing.

At the feast, once again the king asked Esthar, what her wish would be. She then made a calculated risk and blurted out her request. “Oh, your majesty, I only ask that you save my life and the life my people, as we are a part of the Jewish enterprise and we are doomed to be beamed away.” The king was stunned! “Who would do such a dastardly and wrathful thing, my sweet?” At that moment, Esthar pointed her finger at the wicked khahnman, whose evil plot was now revealed. It is said that Khahnman was not so full of himself anymore, mostly he was beside most of himself.. in embarrassment and alarm. With that, King Akhashuerless caught a clue and ordered his guards to boldly send Khahnman to where no man had gone before. And so it was written and so it was done that Khahnman was beamed up to a galaxy far, far away where he was fated to watch Star Wars reruns for all the eons to come. Poor him! Poor, poor him!

As for Esthar and Mordekirk, they were rewarded for their bravery and clear thinking by the king. “What a trek it has been! You were revealed to be the most perfect queen of all time, which, of course, I always knew,” King Akhashuerless decreed, “and I will forever be indebted to your courageous leadership that showed me the importance of standing up for what is good and right… By the way, do you smell poppy seeds? I definitely smell poppy seed! Is that a new perfume or is that just your ears?  And they all lived long and prospered… with a lot less stress and much more joy for all their days.